A Cup of Charles

ANNOUNCEMENT

To the affectionate followers of my [friendster] blog [or to whoever's out there],

Thank you all for your support. This blog has been running for more than a year now (and I've just realized it too). So anyway I decided to make a change, because friendster blogs, well it's all the same templates unless you pay. Boring...

So yeah, this blog will be discontinued, and this will take effect when I upload a new blog entry in another blog site:
I will be starting a new blog using blogspot tee hee.
So far the address is http://acupofcharles.blogspot.com or you can click here and see if I've already updated it (which I will do as soon as I get some inspiration into my head).

As for this blog, well it will continue to exist but I won't post here anymore. This will remain only as an archive.

Thank you all and I hope you'll visit my new blog too.
Charlie-san XDD~~

There's Something About America

For the last few months I've been exploring ways to get into U.S. medical schools. My family is going to immigrate there soon enough (maybe just in time - after I graduate from my premed here in Philly), and I'm feeling very passionate about the move. What is it like to live in America, in the land of freedom and opportunity?

But at losing hope (because of not knowing what to do or where to start) to get into medical school there, I've realized that there's something more that drives me to go to America than just the education that I want to achieve there.

I guess it's their society, which I can say is very individualistic. They are pretty much a liberal and non-discriminating bunch of people (except for a few ignorant *ssholes), and it's within that environment that I want to explore how far I'll go - as an artist, a musician, a writer, a medical student, and as a person. Moreover, will there be people there who can really connect to me, people who can relate to my artistry?

Being an individualist here in the Philippines is quite hard, since it's rare to find a person who has the same interests as you, especially when your interests are foreign, old (like even if its from the 90s), unpopular or not in the mainstream. I believe (and this is through my experiences) that Philippines is a conservative country mostly dwelling in the here and now. People here are much more interested in fads and what's hot and what's mainstream than what is original and individualistic. There's so few retrospective people, and so few who believe that the best artists are not necessarily those who are popular.

But I'm hoping that this isn't the case in America. Well, I've somehow thought of it that way because of what I've seen of America through my friends there, and of course, through websites, and whatever portals of expression I could find. I strongly feel that the crowd there is more interested in how to be original than to just follow the mainstream, or if this assumption is incorrect, I'm just feeling that there are more individualists in America, since it is the land of freedom and opportunity.

I dunno if my assumptions are correct, or if I'm expecting too much. The best test is to go there and explore the environment, the people, and to find myself - and to know if I really fit in or not.

Coz I think I don't fit in here...

Coz it's not a nice feeling when you tell a person of your passion and he/she just smiles dumbly and says that it's cool but he/she doesn't really understand it anyway. It's always nice to throw a thought, and then have a person either understand it or want to understand it. It's always comforting to talk to someone, and have him/her talk back to you in a way that implies he/she really relates to you, and not just pretends to relate, or shrugs you off, or raises his/her shoulders in disinterest. And it's always nice to know that a person is willing to learn your artistry - that's a true friend who wants to understand you and learn to love* you.

*love here is depicted as fraternal love, the bond between friends. Do not mistake it with eros love, the sexual bond between two lovers.

P.S. please see my friendster profile and read "Pray Tell" in the About Me section. It's a little bit more of an intimate eros relationship, but it's somehow similar to what I'm looking for.

A Dream of Symbolic Eroticism?

I’ve observed that it is usually when I nap or sleep during the day that I have the most interesting of dreams. A few days ago, I had a very romantic dream and it’s been bugging me eversince, which is why I want to share it.

If I can recall it well, the first thing I noticed was that I was in some sort of room. The walls were white and I was sitting in a row of four plastic seats, being the third person from the left. The three other seats were also occupied by persons whose faces or identities I did not notice or see. It was a cold, air-conditioned room, and my hands were fumbling with each other in an attempt to keep themselves warm.

My knees were rubbing against that of the person to my right, whose identity I never confirmed. I never saw her (or his (!?!)) face. Maybe I was really cold – I somehow leaned on that person to satisfy my hunger for warmth. 

But then, that same person who was to my right offered to warm me up by holding my hands. All I saw was a gesture – a hand sticking out, then rubbing against mine, and then at once holding it firmly.

The grip was warm, and I changed it from a handshake grip to a grip wherein our fingers interlocked. The imagery was focused upon our two hands almost wrestling against one another. It was passionate; we would un-interlock our hands and change the grip and then interlock again. 

While our hands played to find warmth, our legs rubbed against each other. I was feeling very warmed up and safe, altogether placid and drawn to the moment.

And then my dream changed to another scenario, and I only have vague recollections of what happened before I woke up. 

I learned how to interpret my dreams based on the techniques provided by Carl Jung, and I guess the holding of hands in this dream is a search for security.

The gesture of holding one’s hand is a gesture of protection. Offering someone a hand to hold on means you want to keep that person safe. Fingers interlocking may only mean a more grave expression of security. 

It’s not that I’m feeling insecure. I’m feeling that I have to find someone who can make me feel secure – secure enough to share my deepest passions, secure enough to know that I won’t utter a statement that won’t be understood, or won’t enter one ear and leave through the other.

Quote my previous writing, “…maybe I’m too much of it [being individualistic] that I’ve alienated myself from people who I think won’t understand anyway.”

I guess I need someone who truly understands me, but fate continues to postpone the day.

Would I Be Loved?

One day when I was walking back from school I was singing Maroon 5's She Will Be Loved out of nowhere. Then I thought, what if I reversed the roles in the song? So now, I've modified it, and pray tell, I can relate to it so much more than the original.

Would I Be Loved?

A modified version of Maroon 5’s She Will be Loved
By J. Charles Lacson

Beauty queen of only 18
She had some trouble with my shelf
I was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

You drive for miles and miles and stumble on my door
I’ve had you only a few times that’s why I want more

Would you mind spending everyday,
Out on my corner in the pouring rain?
I’ll warm you up with my broken smile
Ask you if you could stay awhile but
Would I be loved?

Tap on my window, knock on my door,
I wanna make you feel beautiful,
We know we’ve always felt so insecure,
It doesn’t matter anymore!

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door’s always
You can come anytime you want

Do you know where I hide,
Alone where I cram,
And all of the things that make me who I am?
And does your goodbye mean nothing at all?
Come back and tell me you'll catch me every time I fall... 

Tap on your window, knock on your door,
Will you make me feel beautiful? 

Now that you’re spending everyday,
Out on my corner in the pouringrain,
Warming me up with your sudden smiles,
I know you’re gonna stay awhile
And I do feel loved.

Abstractionism: Proving My Own Existence (Expanded Version)

This is the expanded version of the Journal Entry I did for my Literature Class. I got 100% for the original.

To prove myself as a living and breathing human being is quite hard, because even I myself doubt that faction of my existence. I do not believe that because I take up space and am made up of molecules and cells, I am existing. For all I know, all those truths taught to me are mere human terminologies, and not at all universal. Therefore, in this discussion I mean to prove my most fundamental yet most abstract essence - my mind.
This is because I believe that the mind, though intangible, is one of the most powerful weapons we humans can yield to prove and defend our existence. We do not need arms or legs or bodies. A simple thought in itself is a manifestation of our power. As René Descartes so perfectly said, "I think therefore I am."
Thus it will be thoughts and the manifestations of these that I shall enlist in order to tackle my existence. My mind is not only a thinker, but also a creator. Since my mind cannot deny its own existence, and since it is the only thing that is existing, if I replicate it or harvest from it, I am replicating or harvesting what is genuine. Thus my thoughts and their manifestations i.e. writing, music, et al., exists absolutely as my mind does.
So what does my mind manifest? I'm proud to say that I am an amateur writer, poet, pianist and songwriter/composer. I am a mother of various poems, some of which have been transformed into songs.
To prove my own existence even more, I create these materials in my own creative, original and individualistic manner. I deviate from the conventional song formats and topics. For example, I think love is cliché as a topic for songs, and that rock and classicial music can actually harmonize. Since I create things with my own genuine secret recipe, and not merely through copying other forms, I end up with authentic material - my very own children carrying my blood, my personality, my emotions and experiences.
Furthermore, in the course of its creating things, my mind has developed its own philosophy, its own way of thinking. I agree to the saying "You are your own philosopher." If the things my mind manifests are real, how I manifest and understand them must also be real. The processes and phenomenologies are also proven by the manifestations, since ends justifies the means. Thus my philosophy is a crucial apex of my mind.
All of these attributes embody a perfect chaotic nothingness. Why a nothingness, you ask? Since it does not take up space, is not made up of molecules or cells. It is unseen, unheard, untasted, unfelt... until it is translated into language, words, sound and music.
Though I have only proven what is abstract, intangible and surreal, I've already driven home the point, since I do not need to prove my physicality, which can be doubted by anyone including myself. Thus I remain as I am - an essence; an abstract, intangible and surreal mind.

Modern Medicine Is Creeping Me Out

It was Charles Darwin who propagated the theory of evolution. This theory states that a species continually evolves to adapt to its environment, to become stronger and less susceptible to disease. Aligned with this theory is the clichéd phrase, "survival of the fittest," which is quite true when you observe nature. The Species that are now extinct lost in the game of survival to today's modern species. If we visit the Galapagos Islands, this theory of survival can be observed from island to island. Most notable to Darwin were the finches, who had adapted their diet (cacti, seeds, fruits, or blood) according to the island (thus, their environment).

But let us focus on evolution, mutation and survival, which all enable a species to propagate itself, and to produce offspring that are virtually more durable than its parents. Darwinists today emphasize that a species' ultimate goal is to propagate itself - to bear offspring - and to preserve the existence of its family line. In order to do this, the species 'mutates' or 'evolves' according to the pressures of its environment. One factor to a species' survival is immunity to disease. If, for example, a pandemic would be brought upon a certain species, only a select group of that species would be able to bear 'evolved' offspring that are immune to that disease (thus the statement, "survival of the fittest"). However, if we observe modern medicine today, we humans are going against the flow of evolution (though this is not only observable in modern medicine).

For example, some of us are naturally more prone to heart disease than others. Modern medicine tips the scales to provide an equality - those with heart problems can undergo bypass surgery, balloon angioplasty, be implanted with pacemakers, or have defibrillators at their side at all times. But the (Darwinist) fact is, these people who are more prone to heart disease are a weak link in our species. In order to propagate humans that are more durable and less susceptible to disease, we must cater to people who are less prone to heart disease. Which means we shouldn't be helping those with higher risks of heart disease because they might bear offspring who are also prone to heart disease.

Simply put, instead of propagating a more durable species and promoting 'evolution,' we are propagating more and more offspring that are as susceptible or even more susceptible to disease than we are. Instead of riding the evolutionary road towards a more perfect human species, we are putting ourselves in an evolutionarily stagnant deadpool.

And this is scaring me, since this realization ends with an even bigger scare: Are we depending too much on artificial means of preserving our species? If so, in the future, would we not evolve and stay stagnant as humans who are susceptible to the same or a larger amount of diseases than what we have today? Then wouldn't modern medicine be pressured to develop even more artificial means of preserving our species, ending in a deadly cycle of non-evolution or even devolution?
I definitely hope not. Today, It is a relief that we have fields such as evolutionary medicine and Darwinist medicine to study the effects of modern medicine on our evolution as a speices, and promote evolutionism. Hopefully, we would know how to propagate our species to make it evolve into more durable humans (maybe thru genetic engineering? Well, that's another issue for another day).

May We, as Humans, Evolve!

Hot White Flash

To me, Emotions are hot white flashes. You don't understand them completely at first - they surge through you like when lightning strikes a power line. What happens is that you get enveloped in whiteness and you really don't understand it at first. That's why you have to focus and not get succumbed. You have to reflect a lot and do a lot of meditation.
Well this is what's been happening to me these days. Except the last part though - it's just a figment of my fantasies.

Hot White Flash

By J. Charles Lacson

In the darkness I resided for years,
In its coolness I stayed with no tears,
Thought I knew all in my residency,
At least all the things that I could see.

But then a flash abruptly exploded,
And all my thoughts had become imploded,
It seared my eyes and all had become white,
Everything I knew was lost from sight.

The heat was playfully prickling my skin,
But I doubted everything that I had seen,
For even the hands I placed before my eyes,
Nothing but indistinguishable lies.

White was all I saw and heat all I felt,
It felt like a ghost pulling on my belt,

    But now just wait!

    I see it straight!

I hadn’t sinned as much to deserve this!
Now I seem to know now what is amiss!

I focus my head and I finally see,
I see you eyeing your fast thoughts at me,
I see you seeing me seeing in awe,
You take me from the perils I saw.

You took my then solid hands,
You touched my then flushing face,
The colours were all in strands,
I felt the intimate space.

Two Years

I love writing Poetry because it is a very subtle form of written art. But it can also be blunt and straightforward - tactless even - and yet still be subtle.
This is a poem about my dorm life. Go figure. Well now I've transferred into a condominium unit with my brother and his girlfriend. It seems better and there's definitely a lot more freedom here. Soon I'll be learning to cook and prepare food, pay bills and all those stuff. It's training, more or less.
But anyway, my 2 years in a dorm was not exactly a joyride but it wasn't a bloody brawl either. In that dorm I may have explored myself like never before, having no other means to entertain myself because there was no TV or radio. I was writing poems and songs - I wrote maybe 10 or less poems within those walls - and i mean whole songs with choruses and interludes and what have you. In those walls I became more of an individualist than ever before. I also became more knowledgeable of my taste in music - and that what's hip now doesn't necessarily clicks with me because there are a lot of good, classic songs and old artists that are way better.
Well anyway, this poem delves more into my relationship with my room mates which was probably a love/hate/hate relationship. Well just read on...

Two Years 
By J. Charles Lacson

The fires were growing and searing our skin,
The walls were thickening with each damned sin,
Our teeth were crumbling from the mounting sneers,
I’m surprised how we lived those two stale years.

Chains asunder and butts filling tin cans,
Your snore was worse than any other man’s,
In between I became suicidal,
The sun burned and the weather was tidal.

So in order to loose my insanity,
I followed the wind and still I am free,
I walked on roads with a mind in the sky,
And I questioned the air the reason why.

So then you gave me a name and rumours,
Spread it all around like a bad tumour,
But they didn’t bring me to hopeless tears,
Still I wonder how I went through those two years.

An hour more might have been badly too much,
A knife, a scalpel, some poisons and such,
Would have been used in designed sacrilege,
When we all get sick of common knowledge.

Whilst there was no taunting ultimatum,
No showers of fists or bloodlust tantrums,
You thought I took the defeat anyway,
But I say victory is in going away.

I’ll leave then to Karma what we’ve both done,
And leave to the air the two years gone.

Reality TV Shows

This is my first review of anything, so I hope it won't be too much of a bore.

American Idol Top 4 Eliminiation

First of all, I totally support Elliot. I have to say that he has the best vocal quality - an uplifting tenor and a very rich vibrato. But since I can't vote, I can only hope that he wins the competition. But I'd have to cross my fingers, because Elliot isn't renowned to have a solid fanbase, compared to that of the other contestants. But after his performance during that Elvis night, some people might change their mind. May Athena, the goddess of underdogs, watch over him.

Anyway, I was both surprised and relieved that Chris was the one who got booted out. I was shocked that Katharine McPhee wasn't the one to go home, since she really had a bad performance night. But it goes to show that people want a female representative to enter the finals.

Anyway, I was kinda relieved that Chris was eliminated because he's bound to be a rock star. American Idol is more of a pop industry than anything else. Chris is suited to be with a band, write his own songs. You know, total rockist mentality. If Chris would have the fate of an idol who'd sing covers most of the time, I wouldn't buy his album at all. But if Chris were in the final two against Taylor or Katharine, I'd bet for him. If he'd go against Elliot, well you know.

Now the final 3. I think Katharine really has to go the extra mile, if not she's really going to get booted out soon. But I think people are expecting her to be like Christina Aguilera in her early career, or maybe another Celine Dion, and I think we've had enough of that. She's got a good voice, but I think she has the least originality. People could easily relate her to the divas of the 90s. I don't give my bet for her. I think her stay's about to end.

Taylor really has a good chance at winning it all. He's got a Freddy Flintstone personality and everybody just loves that. He also has a nice voice and it's been a long time since we've had a male soul icon rocking the airwaves. I think he's guaranteed a spot in the Final 2. But it all depends on his performances. But really, some people might have double thoughts about having Taylor as an American Idol, especially teens.

And Elliot? Well, if Elliot would win the competition I would really be surprised, and it would definitely revolutionize the music industry. Elliot has a unique style - some kinda underdog reputation, and really unique voice that I dunno what genre it really sticks to. But I'd be disappointed if Elliot would have a RnB/Hip-Hop (like J. Timberlake-ish or Usher-ish) album. It would waste his talent. But I hope he's up for something revolutionizing - something different from the Hip-Hop RnB world we're having and also something different from Carrie Underwood, Fantasia Barrino and Kelly Clarkson. Maybe something akin to Clay Aiken but definitely not like R. Studdard.

Vote for Elliot!

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The Scholar

I think this is the first TV show to infuriate me so much. I believe it's a very stupid idea and it's more insulting that it is an opportunity for those kids. It means that they're desperate to go to college, risking fame and sudden career changes, and their own dignities as academicians! This is pure exploitation!

What I believe is that if you're smart enough and dedicated enough to go to college, you're bound to get a scholarship. There are so many foundations, organizations and schools themselves who are generous enough to offer that to you! Especially if you're one of the brightest minds in the country, which the show alleges to have. The competition for scholarships might be tough, but if you're one of the creme de la creme, you're bound to get a chance.

Being on the show is like gambling your way to college, which is not supposed to be. You have to prove yourself. And I think the show might tend to undermine the individualism of the contestants. We're not all smart in the same way. And there are also other factors to scholarships, not just smarts but also leadership skills, individualism (how a person can diversify a school population, for example), and other things.

I think the show is totally an exploit for viewer's money, and that it's doing nothing good for the education of the youth. 'Nuff said.

Outrageous

It's funny that eventhough I'm anything but a celebrity some rumours about me that can probably make you stumble just have to go around. It's stupid how people can just pass it on without even knowing half of the truth. The people who indeed pass it on are just as insidious as the people who started it (shame on all of them!).
But the fact that the people who believe these rumours don't even know half of the truth can simply make me laugh at how easily duped they can be! (HAHAHAHAHA! You guys dunno even half the truth!) But I know the whole truth (or maybe even more than the whole) and I'm comfortable with acknowledging this.

I mean, who are you supposed to believe when it comes to facts about me?! Me or any other person?

Stupid...

And to those people who just keep spreading the lies, and those who have propagated it, have made propaganda against me, and have abused those lies in order to insult me,

Like, your KARMA will get to you, dudes!

Don't expect me to punch your faces! It's up to  HIM  to judge those to whom I turn the other cheek!

You people are just lucky that I'm a pacifist now.

So well, just go ahead and read the next entry. It's less shocking than this one.